Friday, May 27, 2011

Bitter-sweet Motherhood!




In a white-washed hospital room, sits a twenty seven year old woman wearing a sky blue maternity gown, scribbling vehemently, tears rolling down her cheeks.

Dear Baby,
Twenty four hours are up since you first breathed on this earth, since I got the first glimpse of you. It is amazing how a single day can transform a person and more than that how a tiny seven pound bundle can entirely change who you are.

Seven pounds! Haha! I wonder how you managed to be so chubby when I've never eaten properly once since my pregnancy, not got a single good night's sleep and never ever spoken to you whilst you dwelled inside me! I often felt you turning and twisting side to side inside me but had I paid enough heed to you then I would have been a happier person today! They say that these nine months are the most miraculous months in a woman's life. Everyday she experiences something new as the perpetual bonding between the child and the mother strengthens. But had your foolish mother been wise enough to realise that before, perhaps, perhaps she wouldn't have missed discovering the most eternal thing in this world even after getting a chance to.

Baby, can I confess something to you today? Will you forgive me for what I've thought about you since I knew I was supposed to have you? I'm ashamed to say that I despised having you since the very first moment. Hadn't it been for my kind friend Dr. Racheal, I would have lost you forever. Now I regret it. I curse myself for believing you were a burden, a filthy residue left in my body, a possession not completely mine, a mistake, a...

Well darling, all that is over now. You have put an end to it by taking birth in this world, by giving me a privilege to be your mother in spite of the injustice I inflicted upon you which you deserved the least. You became the bearer of my guilt, my sorrows and my mistakes, how could you?! How did I let you?!

You lie here bundled in my lap as I write. Your teeny weeny eyes closed shut, lips pursed in a half smile, your demeanour calm. You are beautiful! You seem to be happy and content. This spirit of happiness seems to rise from you and seep within me...I feel happy too, almost elated. I haven't felt so in a long long time, and I prefer not to think about the last time I felt it, as it's nothing but a bitter-sweet memory to me now.

My surroundings including myself have a whiff of baby smell, a mixture of milk, bitter baby vomit and Johnson & Johnson baby talc. It has something unceasingly comforting about it. It nurses your mother's fragile state of mind.

Everything about you has a pattern of consistency. Every single thing about you is pure innocence. Everything including the calm swift breaths you take, the way you wiggle in my arms, the way you open your toothless mouth and yawn, the way you cry, your happiness, your joy! It all brings a sense of calmness and overpowers my sorrow, putting a smile on my face. After distress, you are the first consistent thing in my life. You are surely the first positive consistent thing in my life since a long time. You're my bundle of joy.

You're my reason to survive, my hope to live on to make a new life for ourselves, my urge to get over him, my strength.

You must be the tiniest creature in this world, but mind you baby, you've already proven yourself powerful. You've lived through abandoned conditions even before you took birth; you've transformed a person, transformed grief into elation, no sooner did you take birth on this earth. My heart is filled with pride and reverence for you my child.

I owe you happiness, prosperity and love which I shall continue bestowing upon you till my last breath.

Love,
Mamma.

She tosses the letter in the bin, smiles, and bends down to kiss the baby's temple.

20 comments:

  1. u r always a pleasure to read...wonderful

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  2. you are a future author of a really famous book ........:) definitely u r.....:)

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  3. Thats a huge comment Shahbaz. :) Thank you soo much.

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  4. this was so touching , my eyes filled up. when i had my daughter i went through these see-saw of emotions too but i am sure i couldnt have expressed it as succinctly as you did. i wished i could pick up the tossed letter from the bin & keep it with me

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  5. @Zach- Thanks:)
    @Sujatha- Thanks a ton. :) You know, that last line of your comment really made my day. This piece of writing paved its way through my imagination. I really don't know how/why the idea for this sort of a post occurred but I always knew there were women out there who went through this and I tried expressing that emotional state through a letter. :)

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  6. Very beautiful to read..m just 21 so dont really know the joy of "motherhood" but the way u described it is very commendable!!!! :)

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    1. Thank You Priya! :) And I'm no more than 20, too!

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